Emotionally Intelligent Child

Help your child name his feelings.
With limited vocabulary and rudimentary understanding of cause and
effect, toddlers often have trouble describing what they feel. You
can encourage your child to build an emotional vocabulary by giving
him labels for his feelings. If he's acting disappointed about not
being able to go to the park, you might say, "You feel sad about
that, don't you?" You can also let him know that it's normal to have
conflicting emotions about something - for instance, he may be both
excited and scared during his first week at daycare.

If your child seems sad or upset for no immediate reason, try
looking at the big picture and thinking about what might be troubling
him. Have you moved recently? Did you and your spouse have an argument
in his presence? If you're not sure what's going on, watch and listen
to him while he plays. If he makes the Mommy doll shout a lot, you'll
have a pretty good idea what's bothering him.

Validate your child's emotions.
Instead of saying, "There's no reason to get so upset," if your child
gets mad and throws a tantrum because he's unable to put together a
puzzle, acknowledge how natural his reaction is. Say, "It's really
frustrating when you can't finish a puzzle, isn't it?" Telling him his
reactions are inappropriate or excessive will make him feel as if he
should muzzle them.

Turn tantrums into teaching tools.
If your child gets upset when he hears that he has an appointment with
the dentist, help him feel in control by preparing for the visit. Talk
with him about why he's afraid, what he can expect during the visit,
and why he needs to go. Tell him about a time you had stage fright
before a recital or were scared to start a new job and one of your
friends made you feel better. Talking through emotions works the same
way for children as it does for most adults.

Use conflicts to teach problem-solving.
When your toddler goes head-to-head with you or another child, make his
limits clear, then guide him toward a solution. For example, you can
say, "I know you're upset that your sister keeps knocking over your
block tower, but you can't hit her. What else can you do if you get
mad?" If your child doesn't have any ideas, give him options. Anger
management specialist Lynne Namka advises telling your child to first
check his tummy, jaw, and fists to see if they're tight, breathe deeply
"to blow the mad out," and to feel good about recovering control. Then,
Namka says, help your child use a strong voice to talk his anger out,
beginning with something like, "I feel mad when you yell like that."
Children should know that it's okay to be angry, as long as they don't
hurt other people for that reason.

Set an example by staying calm.
You'll also want to check how you react to your child's display of
emotions. It's important not to be verbally harsh when you're angry.
Try saying, "It upsets me when you do that," rather than "You make me
crazy," so your child understands that the problem is his behavior, not
him. Be careful to avoid excessive criticism, which tends to chip away
at a child's self-confidence.

And above all else, stay in touch with your own feelings. Some parents
ignore their own negative emotions, hoping to spare their children
discomfort or difficulty. But hiding your real feelings will only
confuse your child. By acknowledging that you're displeased without
acting upset, for instance, you show your child that even difficult
feelings can be managed.